Dec 312015
As you get older, one of the things that you realise is that life is measured less in terms of the tangibles – tickets sold, people enticed, targets met, audiences garnered – and more in terms of the intangibles – friendship, love, laughter, family.
Somehow, when we are younger, we tend to value the latter less. That sense of all of these being there always, is palpable. While one knows, intellectually,  that no one is immortal, the propensity to believe that death is something that happens to others, is huge.
The death of a parent, makes you grow up.
it is like a safety net has been taken away, and you have no one to catch you when you fall.
I haven’t had time to grieve … i haven’t even cried yet. Part of me is yet to accept he is gone.And, the other part of me is trying to fit (unsuccessfully) into his shoes to try and do what all he did, for the family. I have more conversations with him today, than in the last two years he was around. Those were more of the nature
him: “how was work”
me: “fine. What did you do today” … He : “watched TV. slept”.
Now i have conversations. Detailed conversations, in my head. And, as Dumbledore points out in one of the Harry Potter books, just because it happened in your head, doesn’t mean it is not real.
I am hoping the next year will be better. i pray for peace. closure. and maybe even some tears. I feel guilty for not not being able to cry. It is not that i loved him less – i adored him. I just can’t cry. It is like all those tears are frozen deep within me – and one of these days, i am going to end up crying a river.
Today, is the 7th month. and, the end of a long year.  I miss him.
Apr 112012


My grandfather (dada) Calamur Mahadevan (1901 – 1962) – geologist, scientist, nationalist, feminist, father, husband, friend, teacher. Prinicipal at Andhra University. A man who educated his wife after their marriage, and insisted that she go out and work with the less privileged.

My Grandmother (dadi) Satyavati Mahadevan (1916 – 1993)  – poet, musician, writer, wife, mother, grandmother… My love for the epics and the Gods comes from her.

My father (standing extreme left), My Uncle – periappa (extreme right) and my aunt (attai) in the centre. A few years before they were all married . Their father loomed large in their lives. His death anniversary was on the 8th of April. I can tell you, they are still to recover from his death.

I wish i had known him.

Mar 102008

Originally uploaded by jcalamur1606

Married at 14, widowed at 45 … she is now close to 85… .
Full of curiosity and a zest for living (as opposed to life).
An unshakable faith in God — that has kept her going despite the ups and downs in her life.
I couldn't get along with her when I was thirteen, We have  become a good friend now…sisters under the skin rather than grand mother and grand daughter…

This is her, as captured by my brother….

She is now a great grand mother.  A Sanskrit Scholar (she learnt it in the last 10 years) …a philosopher, and the Family Elder — someone approached by everyone for her wisdom…

I am very proud of her….and hope that when I am her age, I have her kind of serenity !