"All men who love their wives hit them" said Mrs. R to me - a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. As I tried to pick up my jaw that had hit the floor, I argued that my father had never hit my mother …. Mrs.R sagely told me… "then he must not love her". Mrs. R was not an uneducated woman from rural India. She came from a ‘good’ family, was educated, had a career and ran her home with an iron fist. And she was not a resident of Patna or Itawa or Salem, but a posh postal address in London. I lodged with her family when my parents were transferred back from England. But given that she was 50 something when I entered my twenties … I put down her pronouncements to the fact that she came from another time and space and had a warped sense of morality. However, in the last dozen or so years that i have been back in India …. there are a number of female friends of mine who have told me more or less the same thing. While none of them linked up a loving husband to domestic violence, the overwhelming consensus was that it was ok to be hit once in a while. It happens everywhere, they told me. And, it is ok for a man to demand ‘conjugal’ rights even when the wife doesn’t want it. … they reasoned … afterall, that is the purpose of marriage. And most of my friends are ‘educated’ ‘professional’ women. None of them wants to take the matter further, in terms of reporting it to the police or womens’ support groups. "what will people say" and ‘these things happen’ seem to be the common response. So the results of the latest National Family Health Survey … whlich states that 37% of women in India face domestic violence … does not really come as a surprise to me. If anything I would think that the figure is low … I am sure that a lot of women have lied in the survey. Do you really want to tell a complete stranger that your spouse hits you? or worse, would you think that a slap or two is violence? While the Government’s legislation on Domestic Violence seems to be a step in the right direction, there is a far more fundamental battle to be won. And, that is to ensure that change happens at the societal level. Legislation of this nature, while it is to be applauded, will only work if society thinks that something fundamentally wrong. Unfortunately, in our society the role of women is so denigrated and so below that of men, that change in attitudes a major uphill struggle. Education is definitely one way, legislation is another. But, both are at a meta & macro level. Change like this has to start at the family unit. It starts from ensuring a basic level of equity — if not equlity — in dealing with the boy child and the girl child. It starts with husbands understanding that it is not ‘dharma’ to hit their wife. It starts with the wife not putting up with being slapped around. It starts with the extended family who intervene and show disapproval. And then moves on to a system that supports a woman who wants to walk out of an abusive relationship. We have the legislation in place, but none of the rest. Maybe it is time to look at the symptoms and prevention in addition to looking at crime and punishment. addendum : the reason why the ‘educated’ is in quotes is primarily because the survey believes that domestic violence is highest amongst women who are not educated and who reside in rural India.

Tags: Gender Issues, India, Society, Violence, Women

if this had happened to a ethnic group, a religious group, or a caste or indeed a tribe - there would be pandemonium. But, it happens just to women - and therefore it is excused under a variety of heads from culture to religion to lack of education.

Ten million girls have been killed by their parents in India in the past 20 years, either before they were born or immediately after, a government minister said on Thursday, describing it as a national crisis.

The UNICEF report is a stark read. There are rays of hope -but by and large it is bleak. And unless women’s rights are looked at the same way general human rights are looked at, i really don’t see any improvement. The home, the veil, religion, customs, caste, rituals, god, society, all combine to ensure that not much changes.

Tags: Gender Issues, India, Society, Violence, Women

(warning: this post contains pictures that may offend the 'dignity', 'decency', and sensibility of some readers). Not Priyanka Vadera Gandhi, Not even Priyanka Chopra. But, Priyanka Bhotmange. Just a simple, ordinary girl called Priyanka who lived in a small little village called Khairlanji in the back of beyond in the state of Maharashtra. She studied in the 12th and hoped to make something of her life that would allow her to escape from the restrictions of caste, class and gender. Two months ago - on Sepetmber 29th - she was murdered. Now, she wasn't just murdered - she was gang raped by a drunken mob before that. As Shivam's harrowing post describes

four victims …..dragged away to the village chaupal, Priyanka strapped to a bullock cart. By now, men allegedly from the entire village of about 150 Powar and Kalar families had collected. Some shouted to the sarpanch to allow them to sexually assault the women.

Surekha and Priyanka were stripped, paraded naked, beaten black and blue with bicycle chains, axes and bullock cart pokers. They were publicly gang raped until they died. Some raped them even after that, and finally, sticks and rods were shoved into their genitals.

In the meanwhile

Meanwhile, Priyanka’s brothers, 21-year-old Sudhir and 19-year-old Roshan, were murdered. After Priyanka and her mother were raped, they too were murdered.

This from Shivam

They raped the women and killed all four, even as their womenfolk looked on, mute spectators to a form of justice reserved for castes lower than theirs. One woman, Sudha Dhenge, reportedly did protest but was slapped into silence. She now says she was never there.

And finally

The first photographs of Priyanka's body, that were taken by a social organisation, showed rods sticking out from her genitals. But when her body was taken to the Mohadi hospital for the post-mortem, the sticks and rods had disappeared.

Priyanka's crime - her family was Dalit and worse than that - it was a family that dared to stand up for its rights. Yet at a certain level Priyanka and her mother Surekha were also punished for being women. And how dare a woman, and a DAlit woman at that have delusions of equality? Don't we all know that historically and culturally while being a Dalit is bad enough, being a woman is worse. And God help you if you are both. Last week - my students and I were carrying out an little exercise that we conduct fairly regularly. We look at the top of mind recall stories from all the media. The students identified around 17 stories. 12 of those were entertainment or celeb oriented- Ash, Abhishek, Cricket, Rahul Mahajan. 2 of them were business - tata corus. Two of them were national/international political. And one student said Solapur. I asked what solapur and she said that some Dalits are protesting. About what, i asked. Something, she said. And my students are bright, aware and at an age where they do care about the world and get outraged about injustices. Yet they had not read anything beyond Dalits protesting. And then i did something i have never done in class. I turned brutal. I just read out part of Shivam's piece from memory - the bit where the villagers were petitioning the sarpanch to be allowed to rape the women. And the manner of the murders. There was a shocked, stunned silence. This is the first time that i have really used graphic descriptions in a class. I used to resist graphic descriptions - and given the fact that i teach media and how media impacts society - i used to be careful about explaining stuff like decency and dignity and all those wonderful terms. But, somehow this time around i realised that trying to pussyfoot around the topic is not going to help. That my students, future journalists and media people have to know what is going on and how. and so does everyone else. Family of four killed in Nagpur or Solapur does not really describe the story or its implications. And it is with this in mind i have decided to link to the pictures of the victim. A girl called Priyanka is dead. She was murdered by men who demanded the right to rape her and then kill her. The permission was granted. And we want to be polite about it? A woman called Surekha is dead. She is also gang raped and murdered. Two young men called Sudhir & Roshan and beaten to death. And we use flowery terms like 'dignity in death'. What dignity? The dead are dead, and what we are trying to do is protect the dignity of the living. Our dignity. We don't want to see a raped and murdered woman's photograph because it offends us. Not the act but the picture. I have been following the Indian blogospheres' reactions on the incident. And, almost like in a black farce, beyond a lipservice to outrage at the act - it has focused mainly on whether a blogger should have published the picture or not. As someone pointed out on beaupeep's blog

Common man wants to learn and wants to learn the essence. He can very well picturise : a dead body or what a rape or mutilation can leave behind on a human body. Are you achieving any purpose beyond disturbing his mind one bright morning.

As I said - dignitiy and decency and all the polical correctness is for us. not the dead. i hate to use the analogy of Fox News - but the fact remains that those who have been screaming about the 'dignity of death' (pray tell me what is dignified about being gangraped, having rods and objects shoved into you, and necrophilia) have really taken a leaf out of the best propagandists in the world. When the issue is important scream out a different question. A few months ago when Priyadarshini Mattoo's family was finally given justice - i asked my students a question - if the woman was poor, dalit and from the back of beyond, would there have been so much outrage and outcry. I guess i have got my answer. Other reads Shivam Vij The Great Bong Atrocity News images courtsey: The life, thoughts and teachings of Beau Peep

Technorati Tags: Priyanka Bhotmange, Khairlanji, Maharashtra, Dalit

Tags: Caste, Dalit, Gender Issues, India, Media Bias, Media Ethics, Priyanka Bhotmange, Violence