"All men who love their wives hit them" said Mrs. R to me – a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. As I tried to pick up my jaw that had hit the floor, I argued that my father had never hit my mother …. Mrs.R sagely told me… "then he must not love her". Mrs. R was not an uneducated woman from rural India. She came from a ‘good’ family, was educated, had a career and ran her home with an iron fist. And she was not a resident of Patna or Itawa or Salem, but a posh postal address in London. I lodged with her family when my parents were transferred back from England. But given that she was 50 something when I entered my twenties … I put down her pronouncements to the fact that she came from another time and space and had a warped sense of morality. However, in the last dozen or so years that i have been back in India …. there are a number of female friends of mine who have told me more or less the same thing. While none of them linked up a loving husband to domestic violence, the overwhelming consensus was that it was ok to be hit once in a while. It happens everywhere, they told me. And, it is ok for a man to demand ‘conjugal’ rights even when the wife doesn’t want it. … they reasoned … afterall, that is the purpose of marriage. And most of my friends are ‘educated’ ‘professional’ women. None of them wants to take the matter further, in terms of reporting it to the police or womens’ support groups. "what will people say" and ‘these things happen’ seem to be the common response. So the results of the latest National Family Health Survey … whlich states that 37% of women in India face domestic violence … does not really come as a surprise to me. If anything I would think that the figure is low … I am sure that a lot of women have lied in the survey. Do you really want to tell a complete stranger that your spouse hits you? or worse, would you think that a slap or two is violence? While the Government’s legislation on Domestic Violence seems to be a step in the right direction, there is a far more fundamental battle to be won. And, that is to ensure that change happens at the societal level. Legislation of this nature, while it is to be applauded, will only work if society thinks that something fundamentally wrong. Unfortunately, in our society the role of women is so denigrated and so below that of men, that change in attitudes a major uphill struggle. Education is definitely one way, legislation is another. But, both are at a meta & macro level. Change like this has to start at the family unit. It starts from ensuring a basic level of equity — if not equlity — in dealing with the boy child and the girl child. It starts with husbands understanding that it is not ‘dharma’ to hit their wife. It starts with the wife not putting up with being slapped around. It starts with the extended family who intervene and show disapproval. And then moves on to a system that supports a woman who wants to walk out of an abusive relationship. We have the legislation in place, but none of the rest. Maybe it is time to look at the symptoms and prevention in addition to looking at crime and punishment. addendum : the reason why the ‘educated’ is in quotes is primarily because the survey believes that domestic violence is highest amongst women who are not educated and who reside in rural India.
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Harini Calamur's Writings
remember the crap about “adikkira kaithaan anaikkum”? shudder.. I agree with you – the figure must be lower than it really is – how humiliating it must be for a woman – educated (since you say education is one of the ways to curb this, think of how often we read reports on well educated women suffering this), employed or otherwise to admit that her husband beats her. and unless it gets really “violent” one slap here and there is hardly construed as violence in this society…
Actually, I am surprised that this number is as high as it is – 1 in every 3 women in India facing domestic violence. Wow!
I am not sure this even counts non-physical abuse – anyone aware of studies on quantifying that?
Charu,
when you go down to the villages the ‘poor’ ‘uneducated’ ‘rural’ woman is far better at standing on her two feet and taking a stand than the ‘educated’ ‘professional’ ‘urban’ woman. i have seen and shot cases in marathwada where the women have come together to form support groups and self help groups that enables them to combat both poverty and violence. And, they are a lot more honest about the fact that they get hit and hit regularly.
But, in cities amongst the ‘educated’Â the levels of hypocrisy are extremely high. a friend – a senior management person in a leading media company – was beaten up. you could see the marks for the next few days. and she was in this ‘what will i do’ ‘where will i go’ and ‘what will people say’ mode.
i have close relative in an abusive marriage. And,everyone makes excuses for it. every f***ing person. and she says it is her dharma to stick by her man. and she is a phd. in woman’s studies. the irony of the situation.
i also think that it has a great deal to do with upbringing. my brothers will never hit their wives or daughters, because they saw my father set an example. my father never hit his wife, because in his family it was a no no. my grandfather who married when he was 25 and his wife was 11 – was not violent towards women because he was brought up by his mother – his father died early – and grew up respecting women.
It doesn’t take too much to stop it at the family level- just a bit of socialisation. However, at the national level it is a different matter.
I really hope that soaps will take a stand as far as this is concerned. Given that most of our leading ladies are ‘abused’ and most of our ‘heroes’ will possibly be convicted under the prevention of domestic violence act, it may be a good idea to show it in action.
prashant,
welcome to this blog.
i am really surprised it is as low as this !! And i am sure that it doesn’t include non physical abuse or even ‘minor’ physical abuse like an occassional slap!
I dont know if education has any relationship to how much abuse a wife tolerates. In western countries where everyone is educated, domestic violence is nearly the same proportion or even worse (I heard that it was nearly 40% in Europe).
Please keep deleting my comments.
The suicide rate of men vs women is 64 to 36.
The figure of 37.2 is not based on yearly data, but a summation over a period of 34 years. The per year data is less than 10%.