I was an angry teenager. A very angry one. The reasons for the anger are immaterial but the rage I felt had a very physical manifestation. When I was thirteen i was diagnosed with high blood pressure 180/140. High even by standards of those who are grown up.

What led the doctors to check my blood pressure, I cannot remember. But high it was. Not on one machine at one doctor’s clinic – but 2-3 other machines and other doctors gave the same result (the father – a pharmacist by training wanted a second opinion and then a third). The first thing that got checked were the kidneys. Apparently kidney failure leads to blood pressure shooting up. The Kidneys were fine. They still are (touch wood). then came a barrage of tests one after the other. Medication. Saltless food. At that age, I remember, the thought of eating saltless food would bring tears to my eyes. Today, if you served me saltless food – i won’t even notice.

My father’s mother – she was staying with us at that time – took a different approach to both the pressure and the rage. She didn’t see the rage as a manisfestation of the pressure, but the pressure as a manifestation of the rage. She introduced me to philosophy. Not God – god was always a part of my life …as s/he is for most Indians, while growing up. But philosophy. She introduced me to the Bhagvad Gita. Lots of people within the family had their doubt – isn’t she too young to read the Gita. Will she understand. My grandmother was adament – she (as in me) will understand what she can now, and differently when she grows older. I can’t remember what i read and I can’t remember what I understood. My Sanskrit was as patchy then as it is now. But, my grandmother interpreted. I have read the Gita on and off since. Mostly the chapters and the verses that I most needed to, at any point of time. It has been there through success and failure, through joy and heartbreak. Each time it means something different to me, and gives me a different kind of solace. It has probably saved me zillions in therapy 😀

About a year later my blood pressure came down to normal .And it has stayed there ever sense. How much of the BP was caused by hormonal changes and how much caused by rage I don’t know. I don’t even know if anger causes blood pressure. However, since the, the worst events in my life have not caused me to react physically. the events get dealt with by the mind and the brain, and the body stays on even keel. How much of this is philosophy and how much biology – I agian don’t know.

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There is one stanza that means the same to me as it did then. A stanza that i repeat to myself almost every day – whenever I think i am going to lose temper i draw on this to bring my self back to equillibrium

“Krodhat bhavati sammohah sammohat smriti-vibhramah: Smritibhramsat buddhinaso buddhinasat pranasyati.”

“From anger comes delusion, from delusion, the loss of collected knowledge (aka memory); from loss of collected knowledge, the destruction of rational decision making; from destruction of rational decision making all is destroyed.”

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today I lost my temper. After a long, long time. I am not proud of myself. really not. I hurt someone I care about … and although i can say sorry and even mean it (and i do), how does one take back words ?

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And, it poured. the roads were flooded. the subway was flooded. Mumbai has had an incredible monsoon so far